Right now I’m only on the edge of consciousness….so I think this is going to be one of those strange ‘stream of consciousness’ posts….

I’ve got bruises all over my body…it looks like someone’s been beating me…the whole top of my right foot is bruised, which is the worst of it…I’ve got the strangest combination of songs stuck in my head right now: “Avinu Malkeinu” and “May The Horse Be With You”…..I wish I was home in bed right now….I’m so tempted to just lay my head down on the desk and sleep….CAN’T SLEEP, CLOWNS WILL EAT ME….CAN’T SLEEP, CLOWNS WILL EAT ME…and by “clowns” I mean “the administrators”, and by “eat” I mean “fire”…..blah…I hate cleaning, and that’s all I get to do all day, both here at work and then at my old apartment, so it will be ready for the final walkthrough, so I can turn in my keys and be out of that place….One of my new neighbors has a dog that is constantly whining….day, night, it just whines and whines and whines….Set it free!  Free as a bird! …bird …chicken …mmmm ….yummy….I’m hungry…I love the Yopearnandows!  You rock!…Adam kicks puppies, I even have it in writing….I have so much to do before Shabbat…why didn’t I take the day off?  I’m so stupid sometimes….most of the time…all the time…okay, no, most of the time….or just some of the time…yeah….”until they take us away and turn us into glue”…clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere, clean up clean up, everybody do my share…I mean your share…boom, shaka-laka-laka, boom! ….lai lai lai lai lai lai lai lai, lai lai lai lai lai lai lai, lai lai lai, lai lai lai, lai lai lai lai, lai lai lai….baruch atah Ad-nai Eloheinu, melech haolam, boreh pree hagafen, boreh pree hagafen….forget the fact that I don’t have any grape juice or wine here….and that it’s not time to sing the havdalah ‘lai lai’ song….yay, Chavurah this weekend!  And I’m gonna try to find time to make brownies between now and then.  Yay for working ovens!….Road to Jerusalem still hasn’t gotten my name right…My name is not Maria!  It’s Marie!  No ‘uh’ on the end!  But at least they don’t think I’m a doctor anymore, though that amused me to no end…..Roadtrip to Kansas City in April!  Ooh, and maybe in December, too!  Oooh, lots of roadtrips planned!  yay!….McDonald’s arches.  I don’t think I can do that with my hair anymore, it’s not long enough…but that was funny anyway….pants!….without my pants!  oh, good times, good times….and great oldies, KOOL 105!…89.7 is having their pledge drive….”O Holy Night” marathon until 2 more people call in with pledges!  Hahahahahaha!  I like WAY-FM!….Don never gave me a copy of that “O Holy Night” that made us laugh so hard…I totally should call him up and call him a punk….”mayim mayim mayim mayim!”  “Hey! Hey! Hey!” giggly….I’m giggly now…I love the word ‘giggly’…and my Becky-boo!  Yellow├▒ia!  Bloop!….fly high, jump and touch the sky high, bring me back to life, I know You’re here when I can’t hear You! and I can’t hear You….Matt will be in concert here next week, and I still don’t know if I’m gonna go.  I keep changing my mind, because I want to go to shul for the sukkah dedication, but I want to see Matt and BarlowGirl too….”and I’m about to let goooo, and live what I belieeeeeve”….this stream of consciousness thing is really helping me wake up!  Now I might actually get my work done….flowers to sell, fresh green flowers to sell, for eating or in your bath, flowers to sell…I miss Orff…tah, tah, tee-tee tah….tah, rest, tah, rest….It’s so strange, most of what goes through my head are sounds, not actual thoughts…and I don’t know how to write those sounds….monkey cheese banana!  jacko!….I miss Mariah and Janice…and Deb and Adam and Janna, and John, and Tom and Catherine, and Shawna, and on and on the list goes….Caw!  Caw!…..rings under my eyes, rings rings rings…ring around the rosie, pocket full of posies, ashes ashes we all fall down!….such morbid children’s songs…owie, I have a hangnail….I wonder what webmd comes up with if you search ‘hangnail’….”Wrap any amputated parts in a moist clean paper towel, place in a zip-locked plastic bag, then place the bag in ice.”….my poor little toe that got smashed several weeks ago now has another cut on it, alongside the partially black toenail and scab along the nail bed….la lala lala….pretty black and blue foot….all my bruises are different colors!  I have green, purple, reddish, brown, yellow, blue…I’m a rainbow  of colors today!….chicken or beef, chicken or beef, chicken or beef with a side order of vegetables!…yummy, yummy yummy in my tummy tummy tummy, oh, koala yummies!  remember at the People’s Fair when we got free samples of those?  I loved those things, but they were too expensive so we didn’t buy them….my new little bag for my pocket-sized siddur (which is way bigger than my pocket, let me tell ya!) is really pretty…it’s shiny, colorful, and soft….soft….ahhh….okay, lunch is almost over, so I’m gonna end this.


Moving and Court

Well, I signed my lease on my new apartment after work yesterday, and the Youngs helped me move most of my things in during dance practice.  This afternoon we’ll be moving everything else, including the furniture.  Tamar will be moving in this weekend.  I’m excited, but extremely tired….

So I have now joined the mass exodus out of my old apartment complex.  I can hear you now: “Mass exodus?  You must be exaggerating”.  Well, I’ll let the numbers speak for themselves.  There are 2 buildings in my old complex, each with 140 apartments, so that’s 280 apartments.  As of 2 days ago there were 60 vacancies, with 17 more in the next 2 weeks (as well as several others that I talked to who will be out by the end of October)….that means that by the end of October, at least 80 out of 280 apartments will be empty.  I really don’t think this new management will be around for much longer….

Tuesday evening I went to traffic court for my accident back in August….there was a guy there who was probably about my age who was talking to everyone in the hallway, asking what each of us had done.  Apparently he has traffic violations all the time (just usually in a different county), and this time it was for driving without a license, speeding, and crashing into something.  What really amused me was that randomly he would just say “Good times, good times”

Anyway, if I remember I’ll post some pictures of the new place tomorrow.  Shalom!

Another Bad Habit

So, I recently discovered that I have a bad habit that’s really affecting me in the emotional department.  Anytime I feel the threat of being hurt emotionally (whether it’s a real hurt or just imaginary), I tend to go into ‘non-feeling’ mode.  I essentially block everything out, and don’t let myself feel anything, besides maybe apathy.  I don’t think about anything, really, because then I might have to process what I feel about those things….and I don’t want to feel hurt. I’ve essentially made myself numb in order to avoid dealing with emotional issues.  But I’ve realized that this ‘non-feeling’ mode is probably worse than risking being hurt, because in this mode I also miss out on the good feelings, too.  I was in this mode most of the past year or so (yikes!), and really noticed when I found myself going back into it a day or two ago, after having let myself ‘feel’ again for a couple of months.    Now that I’ve identified the problem, I have to figure out how to stop myself from doing it again…but I have no clue how….